Prodigal Son Revisited

I've always felt sorry for the prodigal son's brother. I've heard sermons likening him to the Pharisees, condemning him for being proud and contemptuous of his wayward brother, and disrespectful of his father. Still, I can't help but feel he got the short end of the stick, in more ways than one.

As the parent of two sons, each of whom has commanded the lion's share of my attention at different points, I have at times fallen into the classic parent trap - fretting over the one who's getting in trouble, while allowing the status quo one to fend for himself. The theory goes, if it's not broke, don't fix it; ergo, we leave the well performing child to continue, well, performing well, while thrusting our gaze (and efforts) onto every mess made by the erring child.

This makes sense up to a point. Some situations demand to be handled now. No one is going to walk away from a grease fire without trying to snuff out the flames, or at the very least, bellowing for help. On the other hand, it would be foolhardy to smother a blaze in one burner, then fail to check for any lingering sparks in the other three. This is precisely what we do when we try to straighten out the "misbehaver," all the while ignoring the well-doer(s).

Today I spoke with a single mom whose adult child is wreaking havoc in her own life and the rest of the family's. This mother's decision to remove her daughter from the home, while heartbreaking, reminded me of all the principles I've gleaned from 20 years in Al Anon. Her refusal to allow herself or her other children to be held hostage to one child's destructive decisions not only threw a safety net around the other offspring, but could well prove a lifeline to the offender. Enabling, as 12-step recovery programs attest, rarely produces anything except reinforcement of bad behavior. Conversely, requiring accountability and responsibility from even the neediest wrongdoer offers at least a slim chance of change for the better (as well as proving we have faith in our child's ability to overcome his or her demons).

So if I had the ear of the prodigal son's dad, I think I'd say something like this: it's fine to watch and wait for your missing son, so long as you don't neglect the one who's doing his duty. Reconciliation with your wastrel is a worthy goal, but so is recognition of the one who's been doing right all along.