And Yet... Thoughts on Holiday Pain

I remember hearing a missionary give a talk years ago. Addressing the matter of God’s provision, this seasoned servant quipped that, in his experience, God is never late but He’s rarely early.

Also embedded in my memory is this observation from a minister whose church I attended when I was very young in my faith. This gentleman, whose name was David, commented that he often noticed the Almighty “singling him out,” as it were – in a good way. He would come across a passage of Scripture or hear something from the pulpit that seemed to be a “Dear David” message. A piece of wisdom or advice that zeroed right in on whatever he was struggling with or working on in his life.

I’m finding the insights of these two leaders quite relevant during what has turned out to be a very bittersweet holiday season. Don’t misunderstand – I’ve lived through downright depressing, even miserable Christmases. Other people’s choices and acts of God find their harsh way into our lives, despite what our culture tells us to expect during a given time frame:

“Christmas means lights and laughter! Valentine’s Day means hearts and happiness! There’s something really wrong with you if you’re not loving life at this moment!”

As though death, demons, and destruction are any respecters of calendars.

Christmas 2025 finds me straddling the line between joy and pain as I grieve with a dear friend who is presently suffering an unimaginable loss. Others around me are coping with similar sorrows. And, folks, have you looked at the news lately? It’s enough to send the jolliest elf right into a full-blown tailspin.

And yet…

“My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.” – Psalm 45:1

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” – Psalm 46:10

“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” – Romans 8:32

Why these verses?

They’re my “Dear Thea” messages from a Mind and Heart which know exactly what my mind and heart are wrestling with. All three of these Scripture gems showed up in my own personal world MORE THAN ONCE in the past week.

Psalm 45:1:

Write, Thea. I’ve given you a voice and the tools to get it out there. Use them when and how I tell you to.

Psalm 46:10:

Thea, I’ve GOT you and everyone and everything around you, despite how things may look. Trust me, like the song says, and rest in my plan, even when it seems ridiculous to do so.

Romans 8:32:

Thea, if I gave up that which was most precious to me for your benefit, I’m certainly not going to skimp on anything else.

I want and need to be held this Christmas, because I’m trying to hold up my fellow man. I know I’m no Atlas, and I’m not trying to be. But how can a person not offer a hand when one of her companions is in danger of sinking?

And yet…

The Lord makes certain promises about how much reign He will let grief have in our lives.

I’m holding Him to those promises.

So, I’m doing each next right thing I know to do. Since tomorrow is the arbitrary deadline we silly humans have set for ourselves to celebrate the immortal becoming mortal for a few decades, I’m going to take care of some ritual essentials. I’ll finish wrapping my packages. I’ll whip up some holiday recipes. Etc., etc., etc.

But I REFUSE to let said rituals destroy my communion with the One we’re supposed to be celebrating. And I REFUSE to endlessly seek some heartwarming feeling that always eludes and always promises more than it can deliver.

Because the Delivery has been made. It arrived 2,000 years ago in a stable. And it mattered – and matters – more than any Hallmark memory or Amazon drop-off ever could.

Our Savior foresaw the ambivalence we would feel at the holidays and all throughout our lives. He knew expectations would go unmet and joy would be tempered with pain. He felt that tension in His own heart while preparing to give His life for our traitorous race.

And yet…

If the trials I’m facing – and those I’m walking through with people I love – are the chisels that render me more like the Savior I strive to emulate, then I will try to yield to the pain without numbing myself. I’ll keep looking for “Dear Thea” love notes wherever He chooses to drop them. And I’ll keep reminding myself that His mercies will always be right on time.

God bless us, everyone.

 

Progress Means Improvement, Not Perfection

My response to a child of God who’s seeing progress in her life but still not meeting her own expectations:

Oh, precious one, you think so much like I do! I’m glad you are reminding yourself to look at your
growth; how far you’ve come is always a better point to examine than how far you have to go.

Remember, our goal is to become more like Jesus, but it’s lunacy to think we’ll ever arrive at any approximation of His perfection.

Just stay the course, sweetheart. Keep striving to do each next right thing, and if you’re going to compare your growth in the Lord to your lack thereof, why not recall how far the east is from the west, as Psalm 103 suggests? Verse 12 tells us that’s the distance He put between us and our sins at the cross.

Pretty comforting, isn’t it?

I’m praying for you right now, sweet girl. The catch phrase these days is “You’ve got this!” My take on that is, no, I haven’t “got this”, and truthfully I never will.

But how wonderfully relieving that our Lord “got” all of it at the cross, and He’s giving away forgiveness FOR FREE!

What a Savior.

Everything is a Big Project

Defining the Problem

We all know how it is. A tiny paint job turns into a wash, spackle and sand ordeal before the bristles even make contact with the wall. Job interviews become major undertakings involving multiple interviews, background checks, and lots of nail biting. Even small weddings demand countless phone calls, emails, visits and beaucoup bucks. Buying a house is an expensive, involved process that can fall through at the last minute.

And then there’s the vital work of raising children. Between car seats that look like lounging chairs for royalty and cribs resembling four poster beds, it's all parents can do to put food on the table, let alone save for college. And these “have to's” for kids require know-how; gone are the days when we could pop kids into and out of car seats and transfer said seats between vehicles with minimal time and effort. Five-point harnesses are showing up on things like highchairs these days, making mealtime more of a challenge than it already is with young eaters.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for well-being. Home inspections and child safety make all the sense in the world. But I do wonder at times whether we're preparing ourselves right out of starting anything in the first place.

There's no way around it. Life is a big project. Where, oh where, has simplicity gone?

Drilling Down

Other things can be big projects, too. Things that aren't as tangible, but just as real and challenging as the more mundane aspects of life. Yours truly has been dealing with some such projects recently. Anger, resentment and fear, to be precise. 

No need to call in the suicide squad. The Lord has provided ample resources to cope with these difficulties, which I'll elaborate on shortly. In the meantime, I invite my readers to take a moment to reflect on the “big projects” - material, financial, emotional, spiritual - which are confounding them lately. 

I'm going to make the assumption that ALL our big projects are spiritual, for the simple reason that when anything stretches our limits, divine intervention is not only useful but often essential. Even the least spiritually inclined person must concede supernatural assistance at times. “Coincidence” allows us to cross paths with someone who can solve our problem in one way or another. “Fate” arranges events in an advantageous way. Some deem such happenings miraculous or lucky; whatever we call it, the plain fact is that impossible seeming solutions are orchestrated outside of our resources, by some unseen hand.

The Resentment Factor

When something’s bothering me, I pick at it. That’s why my hangnails turn into bloody fingers and scabs take a long time to heal. It’s not a behavior that I’m proud of, and I’m better than I used to be – but old habits die hard.

I do the same thing with perceived injustices. I’ve had some unhappy experiences recently, situations calling for forgiveness, which I felt loathe to give.

After all, I was right.

Can I get an “amen”? Don’t we all always feel like we’re in the right when righteous indignance comes to call?

The circumstances don’t matter; suffice it to say, I felt shortchanged and grieved by the actions or inactions of others on numerous occasions, and each encounter got progressively more painful in terms of who did the offending and the magnitude of the perceived wrong. Sadly, several of the hurts came from other believers.

Before anyone calls me thin-skinned, can’t we all point to seasons in our lives when it seems like the universe and everyone in it is out to get us? We can’t dwell in that attitude, or life wouldn’t be worth living; but it does seem there are times when everything’s going wrong.

Satan loves a good rodeo, and finds lots of clever ways to throw God’s children off the proverbial bull
just when they think they’ve got a firm grip on the reins. The fourth chapter of James describes some of the ways our enemy creates division among believers. Jesus Himself provides a clear example of how Satan can use our brothers and sisters in Christ to make us fall.

So, what’s a believer to do?

The Tools at Hand

First, use all the tools at hand. For me, one tool is journaling. A therapist told me long ago that “writing moves things” – it takes us from point A to point B with our emotions. One important caveat: these scribblings ought never show up in the offender’s inbox, at least not in their raw form. It’s much too easy to hit “send” on an unedited diatribe that will only make things worse.

Which brings me to a second point. I prefer verbally discussing a problem to letter writing. Written communication can be read and reread, picked and poked at (remember the hangnail and scab?). In addition, there’s always the possibility that the recipient will ignore the message and act like nothing ever happened. Personally, I find that more painful and uncomfortable than just getting it over with and hashing things out once tempers cool. This also happens to be the Biblical approach, although it will need to be adapted when dealing with people who aren’t on the same spiritual page.

While going through this period, I also revisited a book called Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People, in which the author offers a roadmap for transforming irritation with people who “push our buttons” into spiritual growth. These practical strategies, combined with staying in God’s word, praying over the situations, and confiding in a spiritual mentor, helped defuse some of the anger, which was real and frightening.

Each New Problem Usurped the Previous One

I noticed something interesting as this period progressed. As each new kidney punch reared its ugly fist, the previous one seemed a bit less daunting. Thank heavens (literally), because if these things had compounded without any of them lessening in impact, I really think I might have checked out available beds in the nearest psych ward. God mercifully tamped out the flames of each current struggle as a new one entered the picture. Oh, a few embers remain, but they’re more reminders to exercise caution with certain people than flames waiting to be fanned.

Although, truth be told, embers can really go either way. If we tend to them properly, they’ll eventually become harmless. However, we can also nurse them back into a hearty fire if we choose.

That’s really the point. The choice is ours.

There’s a pithy saying about learning how to dance in the rain instead of waiting for non-stop sunny skies. I think that’s key. In this season of my life, where it seems I’m only a cloudburst away from each next downpour, I’m seeking God’s purpose for the storms. Having spent decades using ineffective strategies – running from difficulties, seeking escape, blaming others, or whipping myself with shame – I think it’s time for a change.

Weekend at Aaron’s

Shortly before Easter, I was feeling emotionally “hungover” by the trials in my life. Most had been semi-resolved, meaning while there was no active warring going on, neither was there an actual meeting of the minds. In short, truces had been declared, but we were a long way from civility.

I couldn’t imagine how God could turn these difficulties around. One came right on top of the other, each somehow worse than the last. My mind, often so forgetful about things that matter, was having no trouble at all revisiting each minor infraction over and Over and OVER again.

In the midst of all this, my son called begging for help. His wife, in her third trimester of pregnancy with an already much-loved baby boy, needed urgent medical care; could I please come stay with the other kids while he tended to her needs?

What mom could resist such a plea? Who would even want to? I was just starting my spring break from school, so the timing was perfect. I ended up spending the weekend, helping out and gathering gobs of joy from the little ones.

I collected a few other things, too, during my stay – an ugly stomach bug, which turned out to be the cause of my daughter-in-law’s symptoms, but more importantly, precious time with my son. His schedule is jam-packed with work and responsibilities, but we enjoyed a very low-key weekend while Elise and two of the kids recuperated from the virus. I got to know Aaron all over again, in a deeper way, while we chatted over the mundane but also the extraordinary.

And cradling my granddaughter while she was crying and her little body was heaving brought back sweet memories of mothering my own children when they were young. I don’t think it was any coincidence that I happened to be wearing my “Best Grandma Hands Down” t-shirt (which carries my first grandchild’s tiny handprints) while little Kira was throwing up on my shoulder.

Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

We must never discount the creativity of the Lord when it comes to dealing with human frailty. I had been crying out to Him all week, powering up all the tools in my arsenal, but at best the fury was merely ebbing. It never completely subsided. The interruption caused by Aaron’s family emergency, combined with the sweet communion with my son and grandbabies (and my own subsequent illness), provided the break I needed from my own thought processes which were keeping me chained to bitterness.

I wish I could say all my resentments flowed away into an ocean of Godly forgiveness. That wouldn’t be honest. But I can attest to the fact that caring for my son’s family provided a welcome diversion from my angry thoughts and disappointed expectations. The abundant love in my heart for my family served to crowd out the ugliness that had been pervading my soul.

What a great God we serve! “How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!” (Romans 11:33)

The Evolution Piece

At age 60, I’m unwilling to give up this fight. If life is going to be a big, complicated ordeal on most levels, then so be it – but may I be found wrestling against attitudes that don’t please God when it’s my turn to stand before Him. While I have problems with Darwinism, it does make Biblical sense that humans can and should evolve behaviorally and spiritually:

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

“But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:20-24, emphasis mine)

So, in addition to using the aforementioned strategies to combat resentment and feeling bogged down with problems, I’m trying out some new ones. Here are a few:

1.      Divert my focus away from the problem and onto God’s goodness (for example, instead of focusing on the latest worry or hurt feelings, I mentally shift gears to consider something positive and hopeful that God is doing in my life).

2.     Pray as much or more for those doing well in the Lord than for those in constant crisis. This redirects my attention from floundering ships and onto destination-bound vessels! This is not to suggest I give up on or mentally cast off troubled people; far from it! Rather, it affords me the opportunity to uphold believers who are growing and thriving in the Lord at least as much as I do for those who are struggling. The mental difference this makes is palpable.

3.      Realize God is using the circumstance, person, infraction to GROW ME! This amounts to taking the focus off the tool and placing it onto the One who is holding the tool!

4.      Notice the big picture, i.e., what I’m going through in the context of a greater plan. I’m currently teaching a Bible study called “To Whom Shall We Go?” which is derived from Peter’s answer to Jesus’s question about whether the disciples would ultimately stand by Him. Peter’s cavalier response and subsequent denial of our Lord should give all believers pause. It’s worth noting that we call our Bible study group the “Cord of Three Strands” to remind each other of the vital bond to which God calls the body of Christ. Within that framework, it behooves believers to buckle up! Where God’s people are communing together and striving to please Him, Satan will surely try to work his mischief. If Satan can take out the teacher, the students will surely suffer. Also, as a wise Bible mentor once explained to me, after God teaches His children a lesson, a test is sure to follow.

To sum up, I’m practicing making a conscious decision between nursing grudges or nurturing my relationship with the Lord, and noticing all He’s doing in the midst of (not the absence of) struggles – that’s the key! It's not feasible to keep getting all jumbled up inside. Too much emotional drama is draining; I simply can’t spend exorbitant amounts of time on every little rainstorm. It makes more sense to prayerfully commit each challenge to Him, then try not to overthink it. Sometimes this involves having to detach from people or situations that are more than I can handle. I may need to step back and minimize involvement for awhile to give God time to make my behavior more Christ-like.

Sweet Irony

Ironically, it seems this article itself has become a big project. I started it about a month ago, and it’s been weighing on my mind ever since. The whole thing has been written piecemeal, drawing from notes I’ve jotted hither and yon, and needing much revision to bring about a sensible product (I hope). Not all that different from giving birth, really (if the process by which God transforms the union of a seed and an egg into a full human isn’t a big project, I don’t know what is).

Which just goes to show our marvelous God knows how to tackle big projects one bit at a time.

Rejection... Before the Fact... Again

It's happening. Again.

I've been trying to steel myself, but to no avail.

I've never been any good at keeping hopes high and expectations low at the same time.

Remember that feeling when a relationship is new? Too new, even, to call it a relationship? That feeling of wanting something so bad you can taste it, but dreading even to take that first bite, lest it not live up to the expectations you've assigned it?

I'm talking about fresh love. Infatuation, really, because love has to be cultivated, but infatuation only has to be stoked.

I'm finding out that this phenomenon isn't limited to the highs and lows of romance. No, it can rear its leery head in things as mundane as a new job or a long anticipated vacation or the prospect of anything you really want that may not come to pass.

Don't get your hopes up.

Something this good can never last.

Better to aim low than to be disappointed. Again.

I thought I was going to be open enough to tell you, lovely readers, what I'm hoping for that may not happen, but I'm finding out that my courage is in short supply. Again. 

Perhaps it's best to just leave it to the imagination, since we all know the sensation I'm talking about.

 The "what if" syndrome. 

What if this doesn't work out after all?

What if I invest in this (name the prize you're trying to grasp), and it eludes me?

What if I expend a lot of energy and not a few sleepless nights, and nothing comes of it?

What if I get hurt? Again.

I'm not one to listen to a lot of melancholy music these days - the kind that nurtures angst and pining. Oh, I used to do a lot of that. Certain songs can still tug on my heartstrings and bring me right back to my teen years when everything mattered and all possibilities seemed available and out of reach at the same time.

But I did stumble across an old tune that touches a chord right now. I'm not going to supply the lyrics here, because the songwriter and I have totally different world views and probably couldn't even hold a four-minute conversation without disagreeing on the weather forecast for that day. That said, he got it right when he penned words about lost love and the need to let things go and move on.

He's talking about a broken relationship, but I'm talking about life.

The things that don't come our way, despite our best efforts and deepest longings. The things we clawed at, ached over, yearned for. The things we trusted in that came up wanting.

The Bible says King Belshazzar found this out the hard way:

"This is the interpretation of the matter: MENE, God has numbered the days of your kingdom and brought it to an end; TEKEL, you have been weighed in the balances and found wanting; PERES, your kingdom is divided and given to the Medes and Persians." (Daniel 5:26-28)

Verse 30 tells us "that very night" Belshazzar was killed and his empire taken over by another. But before he died, the proud Babylonian ruler honored Daniel, who had just foretold the king's doom, and elevated the prophet to a position of prominence in the kingdom (v.29).

Good for him. Way to not kill the messenger. Way to respect the message even if you're terrified of its contents.

So it goes.

One man rises as another man falls. 

The ashes of one regime fuel the ignition of another.

My takeaway is that life is circular. Always has been, always will be. One day you're up, the next, you're down. But if you wait long enough, many times you'll make it to the top of the ferris wheel again - if only for a few minutes.

Unless, of course, your ticket's punched. As Belshazzar found out.

I don't mean to sound cynical. I'd rather consider these words of wisdom born from experience. Since I'm learning it late in life, it's a bit arrogant to call it my philosophy. Perhaps life lesson is more to the point.

What goes around comes around, but not always in this lifetime.

So, what does matter? 

Well, for me, what matters today is testing negative for COVID after a week of wondering if, like the friends I vacationed with, I will start developing symptoms. Assuming the virus has passed me by this time, what matters today is visiting my aunt who's recovering from heart surgery. Making progress on a writing project that's taking a lot of time and may not pan out the way I hope. Spending time with my beloved sisters. Following my Lord and trusting Him to show me how to do each next right/write thing. And inching a tiny bit closer to the goals He's set before me, regardless of how they turn out.

Rejection may well come my way. Again. If so, my God will be there to pick me up. Again.

I don't need to mourn before the fact. Maybe I don't even need to mourn after the fact - if, indeed, things don't go my way. 

Because His way trumps my way, even when it doesn't seem so this side of heaven.

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs His steps." - Proverbs 16:9