Problems

 

Problems. We've all got them. They vary in size and intensity, severity and impact. 

I'm not sure where I got the idea that I wasn't supposed to have problems, but somewhere along the way that notion made its way into my head, and it created, well, problems.

For instance, when one's philosophy is that everything ought to go swimmingly and then it doesn't – well, that's a problem. 

Furthermore, when one deems every problem that comes one’s way a disaster and blows it all out of proportion – a philosophy I also internalized early – well, here again, we have a problem.

My preferred way of handling problems used to be running from them. Literally walking away from people or situations that caused angst. Door slammed, locked and bolted – at least until the other person cried “uncle”, which was far from guaranteed.

When I couldn’t get away with that strategy, I tried making nice. People-pleasing. Fawning. That often resulted in loss of respect and the opposite of the desired result.

Then there was the “lean waaaaay into the problem and let it overtake every thought” modus operandi. Any happy thought was immediately banished in favor of brooding over THE PROBLEM.

At the ripe, young age of 62, I’m learning there are better ways to handle problems.

First of all, to borrow a phrase from Charles Stanley, I need to update my thinking. Instead of “why me?” my mantra is ever so gradually becoming “why not me?” What makes me think I’m exempt from unfairness from people, places, or things? For that matter, how do I know the “unfairness” isn’t a heavenly nudge meant to grow me?

I’m rereading a book called Thank You for Being Such a Pain. The premise is that life doesn’t just “happen” to us; rather, things arise to teach us something. It’s especially helpful to pay attention when we find ourselves encountering similar situations/people over and over again. Where there are patterns, there are usually reasons for those patterns. Quick disclaimer: the author, who has a delightful, readable style, tends to attribute causes for said patterns to “the universe.” As a Christian, I can’t ascribe events to an unintelligent, created universe. After all, the universe didn’t just happen, did it? Even if one believes in the Big Bang, who or what set off the bang? For every effect there is necessarily a cause, and to me it makes much more sense to believe in an intelligent being who created all the intelligence with which we are blessed. (For more on this topic, see Gregory Koukl’s Street Smarts.)

Now that I’ve gotten totally sidetracked, let me return to the topic at hand. Since I’ve improved in the areas of running away and people-pleasing, the M.O. I’m currently trying to kick to the curb is obsessing over the problem to the exclusion of other aspects of my life.

First of all, that isn’t Biblical. Second Corinthians 10:4-5 says, “ For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…”

Paul couldn’t be more clear here. He wants us to view EVERYTHING through the lens of what the Lord is trying to teach us.

So much for ingesting my problems, chewing them up endlessly without spitting them out (perish the thought! That might lead to peace of mind and we can’t have that). So much for centralizing the problem, making it the focus of my life, spending every waking minute pondering solutions and possible approaches to tackle whatever boogie man is currently stealing my attention.

Land sakes, the Bible offers scads of advice about how and where to exercise the mind, and I have yet to find one that suggests dwelling endlessly on something outside my control. What I do find are tons of assurances that if I lean into the Lord and detach from the problem, blessings will ensue.

Final caveat: I’m not suggesting ignoring problems or failing to take sensible steps to resolve issues. That approach would take us back to the running away strategy which we’ve already dismissed as unwise. Rather, in the absence of alternatives to make things right, as it were, sometimes the wisest action is no action. Waiting on the Lord. Being ready at all times to mend fences wherever possible, but allowing the Lord time to settle dust and ruffled feathers.

My personal experience with running ahead of God in trying to bring about the solution I think I want has consistently been disaster. At this point in my life, enough already!

I’ll give the final word to this succinct but packed poem. The internet can’t make up its mind who wrote this little gem, so I’ll just place it here anonymously but with deep gratitude for the unnamed author who so perfectly “nailed” the concept of letting go and letting God:

As children bring their broken toys, 
With tears, for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,  

Because He was my Friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him
In peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
“How can You be so slow?”
“My child,” He said, “what could I do?
You never did let go!"

Growing Pains, AKA, the New Normal

In my last post, I discussed allowing myself to be thrown off kilter by a "Scrooge" after having an otherwise very balanced day. Subsequent to that post, "Scrooge" apologized for being grouchy, and I, likewise, took ownership of my grumpy reaction.

All was very copacetic with the person in question for awhile, but things took a turn for the worse again last night.

I wasn't expecting this, it being Christmas and all.

What happened to "Silent Night" with all being calm and bright?

My evening was more like "strident night, all is wild, all's a blight."

Ho, ho ho.

The thing is, I'm getting tired of the vicissitudes. The rolling back and forth with the waves of other people's dispositions and moods.

I crave equanimity in my own spirit.

And I claim it.

But how? 

After many years in a 12-step program, and even more years in God's boot camp, I'm coming to the realization that, if things are to going to change, the change must begin with me. 

If I'm to break the cycle of reacting and overreacting, grousing and apologizing, expecting and being disappointed - well, then, it's up to me to step off the hamster wheel. To "let the dervishes whirl," as it were. 

I guess I'm a slow learner.

There's a nice little reading in one of the Al-Anon pieces of literature that describes the process of letting go. Of allowing the other person in a relationship to choose his own attitudes and responses and decisions, and not holding him responsible for mine.

I'm thinking this makes a lot of sense.

Long before Al-Anon came along, a smart guy named James, inspired by the Holy Spirit, offered some similar advice:

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 

3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways...

19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 

20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God...

26 If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless...

7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. 

~ excerpts from The Book of James, found in The Bible, 

which consistently tops bestseller lists, despite efforts to eradicate its impact

So, I guess I’ve got some work to do.

But at least I’m in excellent company.

I Am Solomon

The Problem

King David’s son, Solomon, was both the richest and poorest king who ever walked the earth. He possessed both the wisest and most foolish head to ever wear the crown. He experienced greater pleasure and deeper despondency than any sovereign before or since his time.

I am Solomon.

Like this fortunate king, I enjoy various trappings of success, and have been richly blessed with numerous mountaintop experiences. I've raised two sons who are functioning well and responsibly. I graduated college in high standing, have held an array of responsible jobs, and enjoy respect and praise from many colleagues. I'm also a published author.

And like Solomon, I'm struggling to keep myself centered emotionally and spiritually. At times I find it difficult to lovingly detach from hard issues that friends and family are experiencing. I allow myself to become overloaded by my own problems and those of this sin-sick world. Empathy is one thing; being bogged down and immobilized is quite another. The easiest (and default) way for me to cope with obstacles that seem Herculean is  – you guessed it –to resort to my idols of food, sleep and entertainment.

The Danger Zone

One need only read a few verses of Solomon’s Book of Ecclesiastes to realize he was in a bad way. Although he displayed great patience and perseverance – not to mention humility – in constructing his kingdom, his disobedience in later life caused consequences which remain to this day.

Thus, we find, despite myriad achievements and blessings, he fell prey to great depression in later years. The words “vanity” and “grasping for the wind” appear repeatedly in the 12 chapters of Ecclesiastes; I stopped counting after finding 20 references in the first four chapters alone! Over and over, the king identified his greatest joys and accomplishments as vain, or futile.

I submit that the reason Solomon’s world view and reign veered off course can be traced back to two little words in 1 Kings 11: but (v.1) and therefore (v.11).

He pretty much had the world by the tail, but he allowed unbelieving wives and concubines to get inside his head and into his bed. Therefore, like many a smitten lover, wisdom notwithstanding, he subrogated his priorities to please the object(s) of his affections. The result? Idol worship, disillusionment, and disaster.

My idols may not be made of wood and stone or even flesh and blood. Mine prattle at me from TV screens and beckon from the kitchen.

How do your idols ambush you?

The Conviction ... and the Cliffhanger

The way I figure it, if the wisest, richest, most powerful king the world has ever known could get himself into so much trouble that within a generation of his death, his mighty kingdom would be reduced to one-twelfth of its size, perhaps I’m not immune to the but-therefore phenomenon, either. My epitaph might read something like this:

"Thea had a lot of writing talent and loved the Lord deeply, but she loved food and leisure a bit more than her God. Therefore, she wasted much time catching z’s and gorging, to the point where she became a diabetic heart patient, and had little time or energy left for living, let alone exercising the gifts God bestowed upon her."

Heaven forbid!

Therefore, as of this moment, I’m taking back my mental and physical health and kicking Satan to the curb (with the giant boots of almighty God, not my own flimsy footwear). Stay tuned for my next post, in which I’ll explain a major decision I’ve made which I believe will help me stay accountable with my time, and fulfill one of God’s major purposes for me.