Quicksand

The Blessing and the Curse

Summer vacation can be an amazing time of refreshment and rejuvenation. It can also be a time of intense idleness and aimlessness. Summer 2017 has been for me an interesting – and somewhat frustrating – combination of both.

I hit the ground running in June and pounded my way through about two-thirds of my annual three-month vacation, reasoning that, since I’m privileged to have this much time off every year while most of my cohorts are muddling through from nine to five, it behooves me to make my down time count.

To that end, I plugged away at writing endeavors; started teaching a Bible study; redoubled my prayer life; chipped away at house and organizational projects; ramped up my health maintenance; and spent quality time with some dearly loved but oft-neglected quality people.

But now I feel like I’m floundering in quicksand. For the last month or so, I’ve been having great difficulty structuring my time, which almost always goes hand in hand with giving in to my “besetting sins” of overeating, oversleeping, and overindulging in entertainment. Even as I write this, something dangerous is wooing me from the refrigerator – something which will tease my taste buds into wanting MORE, and ultimately send me stuffed and sleepy away from the keyboard and into slumber land or the abyss of entertainment.

The Siren Call

I can usually see the train wreck coming. I wake up early enough (54-year-old kidneys see to that), but feel overwhelmed by the need for more sleep, regardless of the number of hours logged with my mattress. I think about my to-do list, and feel unwilling to tackle even the smallest task. Or, conversely, I have little on the agenda, which provides all the more reason to take it easy.

I give in to the siren call of the sandman, and two or five hours later (yup, I can be an Olympic sleeper when time permits), I wake up disgusted and demotivated. Inevitably, this late start coincides with minimal or no time spent planning the day with the Lord, which leaves me feeling unwashed and undressed, so to speak – i.e., generally ill-prepared for whatever the next 24 hours will hold. And make no mistake: on days like this, some unforeseen crisis or challenge will inevitably arise like a hailstorm, pummeling me with choices and calls for action requiring alertness that comes, not from excess sleep, but preparation.

The Worldly Causes

I’ve managed to identify some of the reasons I’ve gotten off track.

For one thing, as anyone who works in education knows, the beginning of each school year is like starting a brand, new job. New classes, new schedule, new faces, new everything. The anxiety starts to creep in towards the end of July, and is pretty much off and running by mid-August. The harder one tries to pretend September isn’t coming, the faster the belly butterflies multiply.

Also, as I mentioned in a recent post, I allowed myself to become discouraged about the prospects for having my novel published. Fear not; I don’t plan to rehash that worn subject! Suffice it to say, figuratively speaking, I slammed the book shut and locked it up tight, daring anyone (myself included) to try to wrestle the key out of my clenched fingers. The closest I came to revising or even just revisiting the text was when I posted one chapter online to illustrate a point.

The Other-Worldly Causes

Finally, I believe Satan himself is trying to incapacitate me. My very success in the early part of the summer is causing other-worldly warfare. Now, before you write me off as a highfalutin lunatic, consider the following words from the apostle Peter:

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

This verse in context clearly indicates that the enemy is on the lookout for believers, staking his claim wherever he finds Godly obedience. Peter knew what he was talking about. Shortly before Christ’s crucifixion, the Savior strongly cautioned His rookie disciple (whom He referred to in this instance by his given name, Simon) to be on guard against Satan’s schemes, lest he disown Jesus. Sadly, poor Simon, AKA Peter, was caught up short despite the Lord’s warning, and did deny Christ as predicted.

If you need more evidence, check out Job's story, most of which is dedicated to the proposition that Satan can and does target individuals who strive to please the Lord. It’s neither pompous nor egotistical to take a lesson from this book, which merits 42 chapters of God’s attention; on the contrary, it is prudent and wise. While Satan may not consider me important enough for him to attack personally, he has plenty of minions he can assign to do his dirty work. The point is, the more growth and willingness he sees on the part of God’s children, the more resources he’s likely to devote to derailing them.

The Root Causes

When I ask myself why I might have made Satan’s hit list, strong reasons come to mind. First of all, my prayer life has expanded exponentially since I a) combined forces with my dear friend, Tina, many years ago to pray on a regular basis, and b) committed to pray weekly with a dedicated group of believers in a church setting.

The simple act of prayer can be compared to the military strategy of suppressive fire (also known as covering fire). I’m not an expert, but as I understand it, one goal of this game plan can be to deflect enemy fire from one’s comrades by making oneself a target. This seems to me a major by-product of prayer, as when we bring others’ concerns before the throne of grace, we simultaneously bring the ire of Satan down on ourselves.

My aforementioned prayer partner, Tina, has set up prayer schedules with nearly a dozen women on a regular basis. She also spends time in worthwhile pursuits such as signing petitions and keeping herself and other believers up-to-date on world happenings that impact the church at large. A true intellectual, Tina finds her greatest enjoyment in praying and studying God’s word in the company of other saints. When I consider that both she and I are encountering mega-angst at the moment, I have to scratch my head and ask if it’s just coincidence, or if powers and principalities in heavenly places might, in fact, be gunning for us. Since we have been joining our voices in prayer consistently for many years, it seems logical that Satan would have every reason to come after us.

In addition, my Bible study is having a broad impact. The participants are drawing closer, forming a contact list so they can support one another. They’re investing in reliable translations of Scripture with solid study notes. They’re trying to memorize the names of the books of the Bible, in order, so they can more efficiently follow sermons and teaching materials that reference this most important of all documents. Why wouldn’t the ruler of darkness want to thwart a thriving ministry like this, and its leader in particular?

The Antidote

“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God,” Simon Peter proclaimed boldly in John 6:68.

Interestingly, Peter’s declaration of loyalty came on the heels of Jesus performing a miracle in which He multiplied a small amount of food to feed multitudes of people. After performing this physical wonder, the Savior went on to explain the spiritual implications:

“Jesus answered them and said, ‘Most assuredly, I say to you, you seek Me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled. Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him” (John 6:26-27).

Jesus was calling out His audience for being satisfied with a food fix, when what they needed was a spiritual fix. I see this as directly relevant to my situation. Rather than narcotizing myself with physical pleasure which never lasts, I’d do well to seek out the One who can fill the real, underlying hole in me, and keep it full permanently.

Only then will I begin to emerge from the quicksand.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this topic, entitled I Am Solomon

I Am Peter Part 2

Taking one's own medicine is not for the fainthearted. It's Christmastime, season of all seasons to forgive and extend mercy, and yours truly has to admit again to having feet of clay. Let me tell you, slogging around in righteous indignation makes for some pretty clumsy steps.

Awhile back I angrily blogged about the lack of forgiveness someone in my world was showing to a repentant sinner who had wronged my children and me. How dare this person, I railed, hold a grudge on my behalf? Yet, here I stand in this season of peace on earth and good will toward men, finding myself in the same mindset for which I castigated others.

Matthew 7, anyone?

This time last year, my Lord offered me the privilege of extending grace to people who had hurt folks I love. They had also snubbed me, but in minor ways that affected my life only peripherally. In all honesty, I've been hurt far worse by much more skilled offenders; yet somehow my rage on this occasion was rancorous. True to form, over the holidays these individuals showed a callousness toward my family, and one member in particular, on whose behalf I seethed. What made their behavior so unconscionable (in my judgment-dispensing eyes) was that these wrongs were perpetrated by fellow believers!

When they entered the room, I quietly fumed to my conversation partners, whose puzzled looks and conciliatory comments contrasted starkly with my wrathful ones. I'm just telling it like it was; no point sugar-coating the ugly truth. I continued to vent in hushed tones to the select few who had the un-looked-for honor of being within hearing range.

Realizing, thanks be to God, that public accusations would only hurt the ones whose case I'd be pleading, I limited my diatribe to the aforementioned bewildered ears. Presently, the culprits greeted me (warmly), and I followed the course I had decided on the moment they set foot in the door: absolute coldness.

I hadn't seen them in years. There should have been much to talk about, but I eschewed polite conversation and instead spoke minimally and superficially. I feigned no interest in their (to my mind) self-absorbed lives. I suspect - no, I'm sure - they noticed, and probably felt hurt. Part of me cares, yet part of me rejoices that I accomplished what I set out to do: wound them the way they wounded the people who matter to me.

Fast forward to today. I'm in much the same mood. Critical, grumpy, un-pleasable (that may not be a word, but I'm breaking lots of rules today). As I sat (make that stewed) in Sunday school this morning, I made a mental checklist of all the sheep who weren't going along with the shepherd's agenda. They were interrupting his train of thought with questions, of all things! Such a recalcitrant flock, I grumbled to myself. A few in particular didn't meet with my approval; I passed judgment, then moved onto the next black sheep to be disapproved of.

In a few hours, I'll be hosting a belated birthday celebration for a dear friend who has miraculously managed to escape the ire I feel for all things breathing today. Between now and dinnertime, the Holy Spirit sure has a lot of work to do.

For more like this, check out: Morsels for Meditation...: I Am Peter

I Am Peter

Feet of clay.

That's what I'm walking around in, again.

I suppose it's good for me, as I've been accused more than once of being self-righteous. Holier than thou. I've protested vehemently, of course, citing my attempts at self-honesty and transparency, my refusal to be one of those Christians who wears a perfect face (far from it), while underneath the mask, temptations and dark emotions abound.

I found out recently just how far from perfect I am. The situation, in broad terms, was that I participated in a transaction with several other people, none of whom were professing Christians. Therefore, this was the perfect opportunity to shed some holy light, right? Wrong. Instead of acting honorably, this child of God suggested, shall we say, shortcuts that made the other parties uncomfortable. When objections were raised, I politely argued my position and persuaded the others to go against their better judgment - and I do mean better judgment - and dance to my tune.

Shortly after the business was completed, the Lord prompted me to step back and evaluate my behavior. I didn't like what I saw. How, I wondered, could I make this situation right, after I had led others down a wrong path? The deed was done. To fully rectify the situation might have put the others involved at risk; I knew that wasn't the way to go.

I repented, even as I walked around for several days with a layer of guilt the size of  the Sahara (and feeling about as barren). I asked God how I could fix this mess that I and I alone had gotten myself into. I kept feeling like the offender in Matthew 18:6, the one who would be better off taking a swim with a millstone anchored to his neck than to lead innocents astray.

After much prayer and soul searching, the answers came. I apologized to both parties and admitted I was wrong. I also committed in my heart to pray for a third person who may have been collaterally damaged as a result of my dealings in this matter. I'm asking God to provide bountifully to meet this person's needs. Finally, since I couldn't undo what had been done, a couple of dear Christian sisters helped me arrive at a quiet way of making amends to the Lord (for it was He whom I offended most).

Many lifetimes ago, a fisherman in the Middle East made a terrible decision. Like me, he strived to be faithful, but came to a crossroads where following Christ might lead to suffering. Like me, he  denied the one who could deliver him and instead tried to save himself. That same fisherman later penned this heartfelt plea, which now resonates with me more than when I held myself in Pharisaically high esteem:

 ^"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;  and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins."

2 Peter 1:5-9

I also feel the impact of 1 John 1:9 as never before.

Check out: Morsels for Meditation...: I Am Peter Part 2