Reach Up!

Many Christmases ago, I posted a piece called Low Branches about how our great God bridges the gap between our feeble efforts and His perfection. As I was praying recently, that concept reemerged into my mind, but in greater detail.

I thought of Moses climbing Mount Sinai to obtain the ten commandments, those two stone tablets which provide God's instructions for holy living. I recollected how this paragon of faith, in a fit of righteous indignation, smashed the words written by God Himself.

But our God is a God of second chances. He gave Moses and the people (not least Moses’s brother, Aaron, whose actions provoked Moses’s rashness in the first place, and who blamed his foolishness on the very people he led into idolatry) a second set of commandments after Moses destroyed the first.

What a patient, forgiving deity. 

This same divine being sent His Son to earth to wash away the sins of believers and grant His children unlimited access to His presence, even though our sin warrants the very opposite.

I'm going through a time of frailty (aren't we always, when we get right down to it? but some seasons of living just feel more fragile than others). As is so often the case, this period of fragility is finding me wakeful, watchful, and wistful. I'm reaching up with extra gusto to seek God’s hands, using the vehicle of prayer that never fails to get me to the right destination. I’m counting extra hard on the Lord’s cleansing nature and open door policy for believers, subjects about which I wrote quite confidently years ago. 

Did I mean it then? Do I believe it now?

Reaching up is the only way I know to find out. Vulnerability can be a companion to desperation or determination. By God's grace, I'm leaning towards the latter.

To quote Tiny Tim, whose words still ring true nearly two centuries after Dickens penned them, “God bless us, every one.”

Not My Will... AKA, Counting Blessings amidst Disappointment

The holidays are upon us, and with them, the disappointment of unmet expectations. The coronavirus has robbed our family of several celebrations, and this year illness is yet again shrinking the numbers at our Thanksgiving table.

But how blessed are we that these sorrows are only temporary? So many have lost loved ones permanently to this disease and others. Empty chairs will never again be filled by those held most dear.

Others live with estrangement. Death of affection, as opposed to physical death, has left gaping holes in family gatherings. Our family has experienced its share of strained relationships that took years to repair, but by the grace of God, those fences were mended this side of heaven.

Thank You, Lord.

I must honestly confess to feeling sad today. I can't have what I want when I want it. Or, rather, I can't have who I want at my house this day. 

But there will be other days. 

My sons and their wives will again congregate at Mom's house over turkey and pie. Little feet will again traipse through Mom Mom's kitchen spilling bits of food and gobs of laughter.

It will be OK.

Beloved nieces and nephews will pause their busy schedules to spend time with their aging auntie. Yummy aromas will fill our senses, and tummies will be over-filled with stuffing and other wonderful stuff.

How blessed are we?

I can feel gratitude growing in me as I count these blessings. The things that are troubling me haven't gone away, but somehow they're less palpable when weighed against my treasures. And most of those treasures aren't the kind that put pounds on me, but rather, lighten my load considerably.

I feel lighter already.

Years ago, a Sunday school teacher brought my attention to Psalm 42, in which the writers force themselves to focus on God's goodness even as they grieve. I'm inserting this rich piece of literature here in its entirety, along with a link to a reputable commentary on the psalm to help elucidate the inspired words. I pray it reaches my readers as it has me on this morning of mixed emotions.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may we all rejoice, whatever our circumstances.

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
    therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
    from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
    at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
    have gone over me.
8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
    and at night his song is with me,
    a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God, my rock:
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?”
1As with a deadly wound in my bones,
    my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

SOS

Extra busy week now behind me. New assignment at work keeping me on my toes. Lots of stress combined with lots of support.

Thank You, Lord.

Sitting down to pray, I find it hard to concentrate. Mind keeps zoning out. Early Alzheimer's or merely leftover stress?

These words form in my mind: "Holy Spirit, this would be a good time for You to jump in."

"The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." ~ Romans 8:26

I want to get this right - this season in my life. These new unfamiliar tasks. This opportunity to obey my Lord, through whom all other directives are either driven or permitted.

"I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.” ~ Psalm 40:8

But I'm forgetting things. Balls I'm trying to juggle aren't staying aloft. 

Feeling like I've been tossed into a ball pit – and the pit is winning. 

Lord, keep me from forgetting the important things. Please catch any balls I drop.

Let's roll.

 

What's in a Name Part 2: In the Name of Gender

Apologies for the variations in font and spacing. Sometimes the computer makes up its mind for me on such things when I cut and paste text and/or quotations. I hope readers will find the research and content sound, even if the formatting is a bit off.

Gender “Transitioners”

In part one of this series, I discussed the relevance of names and noted with dismay the current practice among some youth who are casting off their birth names as part of a sociocultural trend that has developed over the last few years. This often occurs as part of an effort to change gender. A person attempting to change sex often refers to his or her birth name as a dead name, and asks acquaintances to refrain from using that name and henceforth substitute a new name of his or her choosing.

The idea of referring to one’s birth name as a dead name seems both harsh and antithetical to the self-esteem movement. If one’s name is dead, doesn’t it follow that one’s whole identity while bearing that name is dead as well? If one’s birth name is now meaningless, and the life an individual led while carrying that name spurned as inauthentic, such “broad brush” treatment represents a lot of years, experience, and even existence that count for nothing. With suicide numbers among youth ever rising, wouldn’t it be wise to reconsider encouraging members of this population to repudiate their former lives and identities? 

This practice of deadnaming ties into a bigger phenomenon which some young people are declaring malpractice – the “gender-affirming care” paradigm for gender dysphoria, which consists of chemically suppressing puberty, then administering opposite sex hormones, and ultimately performing gender reassignment surgery. A growing contingent of gender-affirming care recipients begs to differ with this protocol. 

"Detransitioners"

Rejecting one’s birth name to participate in a cultural trend seems but an extension of a larger rejection of a much larger entity – God Himself. If, as He claims, He fashions us in the womb, that creation would seem to include our gender. To refuse to accept the sex that He and He alone has a right to assign – without any help from the delivery team, despite the popular phrase “assigned female or male at birth” – seems a bold usurpation of divine authority. By rejecting birth gender, one is casting off one of the first and most fundamental gifts God has given. 

Furthermore, where is a person left if he or she later decides, as many do, to return to the name and gender of their birth? Experts agree the teen brain’s decision-making processes remain underdeveloped until the mid-20’s. Not surprisingly, therefore, a “detransition” movement among youth is gaining traction – young transitioners reverting back to their birth sex after undergoing varying degrees of gender-affirming treatment. Testimonies from individuals who have desisted from their transgender identities and/or spoken out against assisting minors to attempt to change gender – many of whom started their transition journeys at very tender ages – include Chloe Cole, Laura Perry Smalts, Helena Kerschner, Walt Heyer, Sydney Wright, Oli London, Sophia Galvin, Scott Newgent, Soren Aldaco, Layla Jane, Prisha Mosley, Keira Bell and Ritchie Herron. Listening to their stories, one notices common threads in the lives of many who have undergone gender transition: heavy consumption of social media, past trauma, and comorbidities such as autism, anxiety, and depression. Given the uptick in lawsuits being brought by young detransitioners, is it a stretch to conclude that this population is falling victim to misdiagnosis at best or malpractice at worst?

Concerns to Ponder

Another question that ought to be asked in connection with the detransition movement centers around the mental and emotional status of individuals who have undergone gender-affirming treatment, then later desist from their new identities. Once someone has renounced his or her birth gender and identity as a cosmic mistake, wouldn’t it be logical for that person to feel very adrift upon renouncing the identity that was adopted to replace the original one? If both the old and new identities have proven unsatisfactory, wouldn’t it make sense to conclude there’s no hope?

Statistics would seem to confirm this conclusion. Sadly, this population is at greater risk of the ultimate expression of self-harm – which includes a higher than average percentage of suicide attempts and completed suicide. 

On that somber note, Lois Cardinal, a natal male who gender transitioned, is fighting for the right to receive “medical assistance in dying” due to unhappiness following transition. Although this scenario is playing out in Canadian courts, it’s important to realize that in the United States physician assisted suicide is currently legal in ten states and the District of Columbia. It wouldn’t be a far stretch geographically or philosophically for our country to emulate the scenario that is occurring with our northern neighbors. We must also remember that a transitioner in Belgium obtained assisted suicide “after a botched sex change operation… left him a ‘monster.’” I mention these stories at the risk of muddying the waters because assisted suicide is another outgrowth of the already tragically high self-harm statistics among the trans population.

It also makes sense to consider a seeming inconsistency being propagated by no less an authority than the National Institutes of Health (NIH), which is the source of the suicide statistics and definition of gender dysphoria linked above. This organization’s self-proclaimed mission is “to seek fundamental knowledge about the nature and behavior of living systems and the application of that knowledge to enhance health, lengthen life, and reduce illness and disability.” This agency, an arm of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, condemns female circumcision as mutilation, yet endorses mastectomies and hysterectomies on healthy dysphoric women as gender-affirming care. The incongruity in these two positions seems obvious, yet many physicians who would never consider performing female circumcision are irreparably damaging young women’s bodies in accordance with the NIH’s misguided gender policy.

Physicians and Experts Question Gender-Affirming Care Among Minors

Thankfully, a broad group of physicians representing various specialties and not a few countries is sounding an alarm on the gender-affirming care model for treating dysphoria in young people. These entities cite a dearth of long-term evidence to support current protocols, particularly among minors. Dr. Armand Antommaria, “a professor at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, who serves as an expert witness for the LGBT groups… concedes that of the 28 recommendations in the Endocrine Society’s guidelines [for transgender care], ‘three are backed by moderate-quality evidence, fourteen are backed by low-quality evidence, five are backed by very low-quality evidence, and six are backed by no evidence at all.’”

Is it any wonder that psychiatrist Miriam Grossman urges the medical establishment to pump the brakes on hormones and surgery, and instead probe underlying issues and root causes behind a desire to change gender? Similarly, Dr. Lisa Littman’s research into the disturbing trend of “rapid onset gender dysphoria” among youth (most notably young girls) suggests a social contagion factor; this possibility ought to spur practitioners to thoroughly investigate young would-be transitioners’ full mental health profiles, as opposed to fast tracking minors into hormones and surgery. 

On an interesting side note, Dr. Littman draws a comparison between the socializing tendencies of young people with gender dysphoria and those suffering from eating disorders. She describes a ranking component (those with the most extreme conditions are awarded hero status, while those with less pronounced behaviors draw less recognition) as well as a teaching and modeling phenomenon (sufferers with more experience coach neophytes on ways to persist in the behavior instead of complying with treatment interventions). 

Given these similar patterns, one might ask if it is any kinder to affirm gender confused individuals than it is to agree with those experiencing eating disorders. Since both conditions can cause irreversible harm to patients, why are the treatment models so far apart? No reputable doctor would assist an anorexic patient with weight loss strategies, yet many whisk out drugs and scalpels when dealing with gender dysphoria. The difference seems to be the credence afforded to a patient’s self-diagnosis: with eating disorders, an objective standard (healthy weight guidelines) is contrasted with a patient’s self-perception of being overweight, and objectivity prevails when rendering treatment; with gender dysphoria, a person’s self-perception of having been born in the wrong body is accepted as fact, despite millennia of scientific understanding regarding gender being a fixed chromosomal reality.

When did the scientific community start subjugating objective health data to patients’ subjective beliefs about their bodies? 

More Voices

Dr. Jennifer Bauwens, a clinician who specializes in providing care for trauma survivors and teaches on this subject in several graduate programs, has also raised concerns about assisting young people to gender transition. Bauwens, who holds a PhD in clinical social work from NYU, testified before Congress this past July, stating that “compared to other psychological disorders found in the DSM V-TR, gender-affirming care is the most invasive and unnecessary physiological intervention connected to a psychological issue. Gender-affirming care is also in direct opposition to the basic practices of good mental health treatment.” Bauwens went on to cite the findings of UCLA’s Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Law and Public Policy that “45 percent of transgender-identifying people reported childhood sexual abuse… 44 percent of transgender-identifying people reported childhood physical abuse… 75 percent of transgender-identifying people reported childhood emotional abuse.” Such soaring numbers ought to prod practitioners to probe and treat underlying factors that may contribute to a young person’s desire to change gender, as opposed to offering a one-size-fits-all gender-affirming protocol.

Jamie Reed, former case manager at Washington University’s Transgender Center at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, also advises against pediatric gender transitioning. Reed echoes the concerns about fast tracking treatment and ignoring comorbidities already mentioned. After four years in her position, Reed left the gender clinic, and now speaks out against gender-affirming care for minors.

The aforementioned list of practitioners calling peers to rethink the current model of gender care among minors is far from exhaustive. The Society for Evidence Based Gender Medicine (SEGM) describes itself as “an international group of over 100 clinicians and researchers concerned about the lack of quality evidence for the use of hormonal and surgical interventions as first-line treatment for young people with gender dysphoria.”

Lest the assertion be made that this issue is only troubling to conservatives, let the record show that many who question the wisdom of performing these procedures on children hold more progressive beliefs. Jamie Reed describes herself as “left of Bernie Sanders.” Dr. Julia Mason, pediatrician and cofounder of SEGM, is a “lifelong democrat.” Two parental groups that are “critical of the dominant paradigm regarding transgender politics and treatment” – Transgender Trend and 4thwavenow – refer to themselves as “left-leaning and liberal.” Gays Against Groomers, who identify themselves as “a nonprofit organization of gay people and others within the community” have joined the chorus of voices opposing “the sexualization, indoctrination and medicalization of children under the guise of LGBTQIA+.”

Clearly, critics of gender-affirming protocols for children fall on both sides of the political aisle.

Final Thoughts

The turmoil that must precede a decision to alter one’s body chemistry and appearance in an effort to conform to a perceived gender identity is beyond my comprehension – yet it is not beyond my compassion. As I have stated elsewhere, I believe many who are providing gender-affirming treatment do so out of a desire to help those suffering from the anguish of dysphoria. Nevertheless, it behooves us as a society to consider the long-term consequences of such well-meaning “care” and to heed the warnings of the many voices urging caution in this largely uncharted area.

That said, many contend that gender-affirming care for minors is intellectually dishonest and morally indefensible. 

Let’s take these one at a time.

A skilled physician may be able to alter a patient’s body and make it appear like that of the opposite sex, but no procedure can change the person’s chromosomal makeup. Since most of us aren’t geneticists, let’s compare this to something to which we can all relate – food. Suppose I declare a stalk of celery a mozzarella stick, and even make it look like one by encasing the vegetable in cheese. However, one bite will alert the eater that he is, in fact, gnawing on a crunchy, stringy veggie that is only dressed up to look like a gooey cheese stick. Also, the two foods contain different vitamins and minerals and metabolize in the body differently; regardless of appearance, the essence of the edible remains unchanged.

Is it any more accurate to assert that biological realities of gender can be changed than that celery can morph into mozzarella?

Secondly, gender treatment for minors is morally indefensible because of the immaturity of young minds. A case could be made that no one under age 25 should be a candidate for gender-affirming care, which would give the brain a chance to fully develop before making a decision of such magnitude; it might be an easier sell to pair the legal age for gender transitioning with the legal age for consuming alcohol (21), which would still be an improvement over the current state of affairs. At the very least, this risky treatment should be denied to minors.

The NIH, which we have referenced frequently throughout this discussion, combines these final points well. The NIH’s chromosome fact sheet asks, “Do males have different chromosomes than females?” The publication answers that question by stating that humans “differ in a pair of chromosomes known as the sex chromosomes. Females have two X chromosomes in their cells, while males have one X and one Y chromosome.” The piece goes on to explain that “serious problems” such as “mental disability…  impaired fertility… [or] kidney or heart problems” arise when variations occur in the numbers of sex chromosomes people inherit. Furthermore, in the NIH’s paper on benefits and risks of genetic therapies, the organization declares it “does not perform or fund studies on genome editing targeting sperm, eggs, or embryos in humans. These changes would be passed on to the patient’s children and could have unanticipated effects.”

In other words, the NIH acknowledges that underlying chromosomal differences exist between males and females, and in an abundance of caution veers away from attempts to alter those differences as they manifest themselves in reproduction.

Bottom Line

In a previous article on this topic, I stood with Martin Luther. Now I cast my lot with the brave detransitioners who are speaking out against the harm done to them by the silence and complicity of adults. These young people aren’t hiding behind pseudonyms as I once wished to do; they are facing the issue square in the face and speaking the truth. 

If adults won’t ally themselves with these young people, where can they turn? 

There’s a reason the silent majority is so named. There are precious few things in life that require individuals to rouse themselves and fight for what they believe is right. When such issues beckon, too many of us stand alone with our principles conveniently obscured by daily chores and obligations. I submit that few responsibilities are more pressing than pushing back against the gender identity movement which is threatening the minds, bodies, and futures of our kids. There is definitely a “Children’s Crusade” component to this fight, as so many young people who have suffered as a result of gender-affirming procedures are taking action to prevent the same thing from happening to their peers.

Will we leave them to battle alone, or will we sideline our fears and enter the fray alongside them? If we turn our backs on our youth who are looking to us for support, future generations will judge us just as they have other historical figures. Surely, we are called off the sidelines for such a time as this.

“Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.” – Proverbs 31:8-9

 

What's in a Name?

Theophilus Michael Simon

It has a beautiful, melodious sound, doesn’t it? That’s the name one of my friends would have chosen, had she been blessed with a son. It literally means “lover of God” (Theophilus) “who is like God” (Michael) “hearing, listening” (Simon).  

A lot to live up to – but, oh, what a way to start life! Reverencing the Creator, yet acknowledging from day one that the Creator’s very image is stamped upon His humble creation. Realizing the importance of not only hearing but truly listening to said Creator’s still, small voice and thereby, walking in tandem with Him.

The Intent of Names

Most parents bestow names on their children thoughtfully and lovingly. When my sisters and I first learned we were expecting, we chatted endlessly about the names we were considering for our already adored children. Even before I was old enough to start a family, I remember practicing for motherhood by making lists of names for the offspring I hoped to one day bear. 

While some choose ill-advised names that seem more devised to make a statement about the parents’ state of mind (or lack thereof) at the time their children were born, I would venture that the vast majority put much time and thought into this enduring process.

Because that’s what names do, isn’t it? They endure. In the 1996 film version of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, Daniel Day Lewis brilliantly portrays John Proctor, a Puritan who must falsely confess to witchcraft to save his life. He soon realizes, though, that he’s losing much more than his self-respect by signing his name to lies. When asked why he won’t hand over the forced confession for public display, he cries piteously, “Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life!”

This tortured character realizes the value of the name his parents gave him and refuses to cheapen that name by attaching it to lies. Sadly, there’s a disturbing trend these days which seems dangerously close to what Proctor was warning us against.

Whose Name Is It Anyway?

I find it disheartening to witness a widening social movement – discarding one’s name upon “changing gender” and replacing it with one typically associated with the opposite sex. There’s something terribly sad about young people cavalierly dismissing the very first gift their parents ever gave them after their moms and dads selected it with so much joy and care. The name is then relegated to the grave of all things – henceforth known as a dead name, and not to be used under any circumstances. More about this phenomenon of “deadnaming” and all it entails in part two of this article.

Understandable Reasons

Are there ever valid reasons to change one’s name? Women do so commonly when they marry. Many a woman, though, chooses to keep her maiden name or its first initial as part of her married name. Names may also be changed upon adoption. These situations reflect the embracing of new names for time-honored reasons, as opposed to rejecting them due to what may be a passing phase.

A case could be made for discarding one’s name if it were associated with great shame. There’s a reason no one names a child after Hitler, and it would be understandable for a person with such a “loaded” name to seek a new, less infamous one. And we must acknowledge with sorrow that some have been so damaged by their early lives at the hands of their parents that they need to cast off all remnants of those traumatizing years – including even their names. But I am not talking about such extreme situations. 

Names in the Bible

Abraham. Sarah. Jacob. Peter. What do these heroes of the faith all have in common? God changed their names to express a change He intended to make in their lives. 

Names mean a lot to God. He assigns them before birth at times (John the Baptist, Isaac, Hosea’s three children, even Jesus) and sometimes changes them afterwards at HIS discretion and for HIS purposes – not ours.

In a few cases, the Bible records people changing their own names in response to impactful life events. Saul, whose Hebrew name means “prayed for”, switched to using his Roman name, Paul, after meeting Christ on the road to Damascus. There are several possible reasons for this decision; one may be because Paul means “little” or “small”, perhaps reflecting the apostle’s understanding of his stature in the eyes of the God who saved him while he was still resting on his credentials and using them to persecute Christians.

The Scriptures document various other instances of name changes which are beyond the scope of this article. It is noteworthy, though, that when a Bible character adopts a new name, the process entails serious thought and well-considered reasons. This is not a leap taken by capricious children whose minds are in ever-changing flux until the brain's “little gray cells” settle into patterns of adult thinking. 

I believe the Biblical model suggests that names should be considered respectfully both by those bestowing names and the ones who receive them.

In part two of this article, we will discuss the larger picture surrounding name changes as they occur in today’s society. Stay tuned.

 

Happy Father's Day

My neighbor is a great dad. I have a birds’ eye view of his yard from my upstairs window. He has a bunch of kids and a setup that any child would want to play in. Between the trampoline and the treehouse, the swing set and the pool, it’s obvious this guy has put hours into making sure his kids have a safe, inviting place to play right in their backyard.

My son’s yard has a lot of the same accoutrements. My grandchildren don’t have to go very far to find themselves in childhood paradise.

On a recent weekend, my neighbor’s children were frolicking along as usual. I caught a glimpse of them and heard their merry sounds while I was scurrying about upstairs. The scene this time was typical of many dads, and it keeps creeping into my memory and making me smile.

Dad was seated at the picnic table in the early part of the evening. Several of his offspring were doing their kid concerns at the various stations he had installed for their enjoyment. Dad seemed to have two things in mind – relaxing and blowing his nose.

Maybe the family had run out of tissues because he was doing the deed with paper towels. It’s allergy season, so this wasn’t a one-shot deal. Again and again, he expelled whatever was needful into those rough, scratchy pieces of paper. Also on a repeated basis, he responded to his children’s cries for attention.

“Dad! Dad!” was a constant refrain.

At one point, he took a call. Dad is a businessman and probably works all hours. Businesses are not respecters of families, so 7 PM on a Saturday is as good a time as any to pick up messages or send out a bid.

The children weren’t concerned about interrupting their father’s dealings. Their attention seeking didn’t stop just because he got a call.

Dad admonished them gently but firmly to wait while he finished his work.

When that was over and done with, he stood up (after blowing his nose several more times) and began a game of catch with his daughter. He appeared to be giving her pointers. I wouldn’t be surprised if he coaches her team.

The high point of Dad’s night – after tending to work, kids, coaching, and nose blowing – was lawn mowing. This surprised me. I felt sure after completing so many obligations this guy would feel he deserved a little recreation of his own. No such luck. Dad’s day wasn’t over just because the sun was going down.

All this reminded me of my own father and my son who, as of two weeks ago, has four youngsters calling him “Dad”. It also brought to mind my two brothers-in-law, who jumped feet first into the gap to help my sons become decent, responsible men. And, not least, my children’s father, who tried so hard in his final years to make up for what he had missed when our boys were growing up.

Usually, I insert one or two Bible verses into each article I post; that seems inadequate here. The Scriptures are chock full of jottings to dads and would-be dads as to how to get it right (and what to avoid). For that reason, I’m offering this link containing a host of Scriptural wisdom to faithful fathers everywhere – and to those who may have messed up, but are trying to get it right.

Guys, you haven’t got this. How could you? The job is bigger than any flesh and blood could handle.

But our heavenly Father – who ordained the job in the first place – stands ready to shore you up.

 

Everything is a Big Project

Defining the Problem

We all know how it is. A tiny paint job turns into a wash, spackle and sand ordeal before the bristles even make contact with the wall. Job interviews become major undertakings involving multiple interviews, background checks, and lots of nail biting. Even small weddings demand countless phone calls, emails, visits and beaucoup bucks. Buying a house is an expensive, involved process that can fall through at the last minute.

And then there’s the vital work of raising children. Between car seats that look like lounging chairs for royalty and cribs resembling four poster beds, it's all parents can do to put food on the table, let alone save for college. And these “have to's” for kids require know-how; gone are the days when we could pop kids into and out of car seats and transfer said seats between vehicles with minimal time and effort. Five-point harnesses are showing up on things like highchairs these days, making mealtime more of a challenge than it already is with young eaters.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for well-being. Home inspections and child safety make all the sense in the world. But I do wonder at times whether we're preparing ourselves right out of starting anything in the first place.

There's no way around it. Life is a big project. Where, oh where, has simplicity gone?

Drilling Down

Other things can be big projects, too. Things that aren't as tangible, but just as real and challenging as the more mundane aspects of life. Yours truly has been dealing with some such projects recently. Anger, resentment and fear, to be precise. 

No need to call in the suicide squad. The Lord has provided ample resources to cope with these difficulties, which I'll elaborate on shortly. In the meantime, I invite my readers to take a moment to reflect on the “big projects” - material, financial, emotional, spiritual - which are confounding them lately. 

I'm going to make the assumption that ALL our big projects are spiritual, for the simple reason that when anything stretches our limits, divine intervention is not only useful but often essential. Even the least spiritually inclined person must concede supernatural assistance at times. “Coincidence” allows us to cross paths with someone who can solve our problem in one way or another. “Fate” arranges events in an advantageous way. Some deem such happenings miraculous or lucky; whatever we call it, the plain fact is that impossible seeming solutions are orchestrated outside of our resources, by some unseen hand.

The Resentment Factor

When something’s bothering me, I pick at it. That’s why my hangnails turn into bloody fingers and scabs take a long time to heal. It’s not a behavior that I’m proud of, and I’m better than I used to be – but old habits die hard.

I do the same thing with perceived injustices. I’ve had some unhappy experiences recently, situations calling for forgiveness, which I felt loathe to give.

After all, I was right.

Can I get an “amen”? Don’t we all always feel like we’re in the right when righteous indignance comes to call?

The circumstances don’t matter; suffice it to say, I felt shortchanged and grieved by the actions or inactions of others on numerous occasions, and each encounter got progressively more painful in terms of who did the offending and the magnitude of the perceived wrong. Sadly, several of the hurts came from other believers.

Before anyone calls me thin-skinned, can’t we all point to seasons in our lives when it seems like the universe and everyone in it is out to get us? We can’t dwell in that attitude, or life wouldn’t be worth living; but it does seem there are times when everything’s going wrong.

Satan loves a good rodeo, and finds lots of clever ways to throw God’s children off the proverbial bull
just when they think they’ve got a firm grip on the reins. The fourth chapter of James describes some of the ways our enemy creates division among believers. Jesus Himself provides a clear example of how Satan can use our brothers and sisters in Christ to make us fall.

So, what’s a believer to do?

The Tools at Hand

First, use all the tools at hand. For me, one tool is journaling. A therapist told me long ago that “writing moves things” – it takes us from point A to point B with our emotions. One important caveat: these scribblings ought never show up in the offender’s inbox, at least not in their raw form. It’s much too easy to hit “send” on an unedited diatribe that will only make things worse.

Which brings me to a second point. I prefer verbally discussing a problem to letter writing. Written communication can be read and reread, picked and poked at (remember the hangnail and scab?). In addition, there’s always the possibility that the recipient will ignore the message and act like nothing ever happened. Personally, I find that more painful and uncomfortable than just getting it over with and hashing things out once tempers cool. This also happens to be the Biblical approach, although it will need to be adapted when dealing with people who aren’t on the same spiritual page.

While going through this period, I also revisited a book called Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People, in which the author offers a roadmap for transforming irritation with people who “push our buttons” into spiritual growth. These practical strategies, combined with staying in God’s word, praying over the situations, and confiding in a spiritual mentor, helped defuse some of the anger, which was real and frightening.

Each New Problem Usurped the Previous One

I noticed something interesting as this period progressed. As each new kidney punch reared its ugly fist, the previous one seemed a bit less daunting. Thank heavens (literally), because if these things had compounded without any of them lessening in impact, I really think I might have checked out available beds in the nearest psych ward. God mercifully tamped out the flames of each current struggle as a new one entered the picture. Oh, a few embers remain, but they’re more reminders to exercise caution with certain people than flames waiting to be fanned.

Although, truth be told, embers can really go either way. If we tend to them properly, they’ll eventually become harmless. However, we can also nurse them back into a hearty fire if we choose.

That’s really the point. The choice is ours.

There’s a pithy saying about learning how to dance in the rain instead of waiting for non-stop sunny skies. I think that’s key. In this season of my life, where it seems I’m only a cloudburst away from each next downpour, I’m seeking God’s purpose for the storms. Having spent decades using ineffective strategies – running from difficulties, seeking escape, blaming others, or whipping myself with shame – I think it’s time for a change.

Weekend at Aaron’s

Shortly before Easter, I was feeling emotionally “hungover” by the trials in my life. Most had been semi-resolved, meaning while there was no active warring going on, neither was there an actual meeting of the minds. In short, truces had been declared, but we were a long way from civility.

I couldn’t imagine how God could turn these difficulties around. One came right on top of the other, each somehow worse than the last. My mind, often so forgetful about things that matter, was having no trouble at all revisiting each minor infraction over and Over and OVER again.

In the midst of all this, my son called begging for help. His wife, in her third trimester of pregnancy with an already much-loved baby boy, needed urgent medical care; could I please come stay with the other kids while he tended to her needs?

What mom could resist such a plea? Who would even want to? I was just starting my spring break from school, so the timing was perfect. I ended up spending the weekend, helping out and gathering gobs of joy from the little ones.

I collected a few other things, too, during my stay – an ugly stomach bug, which turned out to be the cause of my daughter-in-law’s symptoms, but more importantly, precious time with my son. His schedule is jam-packed with work and responsibilities, but we enjoyed a very low-key weekend while Elise and two of the kids recuperated from the virus. I got to know Aaron all over again, in a deeper way, while we chatted over the mundane but also the extraordinary.

And cradling my granddaughter while she was crying and her little body was heaving brought back sweet memories of mothering my own children when they were young. I don’t think it was any coincidence that I happened to be wearing my “Best Grandma Hands Down” t-shirt (which carries my first grandchild’s tiny handprints) while little Kira was throwing up on my shoulder.

Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

We must never discount the creativity of the Lord when it comes to dealing with human frailty. I had been crying out to Him all week, powering up all the tools in my arsenal, but at best the fury was merely ebbing. It never completely subsided. The interruption caused by Aaron’s family emergency, combined with the sweet communion with my son and grandbabies (and my own subsequent illness), provided the break I needed from my own thought processes which were keeping me chained to bitterness.

I wish I could say all my resentments flowed away into an ocean of Godly forgiveness. That wouldn’t be honest. But I can attest to the fact that caring for my son’s family provided a welcome diversion from my angry thoughts and disappointed expectations. The abundant love in my heart for my family served to crowd out the ugliness that had been pervading my soul.

What a great God we serve! “How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!” (Romans 11:33)

The Evolution Piece

At age 60, I’m unwilling to give up this fight. If life is going to be a big, complicated ordeal on most levels, then so be it – but may I be found wrestling against attitudes that don’t please God when it’s my turn to stand before Him. While I have problems with Darwinism, it does make Biblical sense that humans can and should evolve behaviorally and spiritually:

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

“But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:20-24, emphasis mine)

So, in addition to using the aforementioned strategies to combat resentment and feeling bogged down with problems, I’m trying out some new ones. Here are a few:

1.      Divert my focus away from the problem and onto God’s goodness (for example, instead of focusing on the latest worry or hurt feelings, I mentally shift gears to consider something positive and hopeful that God is doing in my life).

2.     Pray as much or more for those doing well in the Lord than for those in constant crisis. This redirects my attention from floundering ships and onto destination-bound vessels! This is not to suggest I give up on or mentally cast off troubled people; far from it! Rather, it affords me the opportunity to uphold believers who are growing and thriving in the Lord at least as much as I do for those who are struggling. The mental difference this makes is palpable.

3.      Realize God is using the circumstance, person, infraction to GROW ME! This amounts to taking the focus off the tool and placing it onto the One who is holding the tool!

4.      Notice the big picture, i.e., what I’m going through in the context of a greater plan. I’m currently teaching a Bible study called “To Whom Shall We Go?” which is derived from Peter’s answer to Jesus’s question about whether the disciples would ultimately stand by Him. Peter’s cavalier response and subsequent denial of our Lord should give all believers pause. It’s worth noting that we call our Bible study group the “Cord of Three Strands” to remind each other of the vital bond to which God calls the body of Christ. Within that framework, it behooves believers to buckle up! Where God’s people are communing together and striving to please Him, Satan will surely try to work his mischief. If Satan can take out the teacher, the students will surely suffer. Also, as a wise Bible mentor once explained to me, after God teaches His children a lesson, a test is sure to follow.

To sum up, I’m practicing making a conscious decision between nursing grudges or nurturing my relationship with the Lord, and noticing all He’s doing in the midst of (not the absence of) struggles – that’s the key! It's not feasible to keep getting all jumbled up inside. Too much emotional drama is draining; I simply can’t spend exorbitant amounts of time on every little rainstorm. It makes more sense to prayerfully commit each challenge to Him, then try not to overthink it. Sometimes this involves having to detach from people or situations that are more than I can handle. I may need to step back and minimize involvement for awhile to give God time to make my behavior more Christ-like.

Sweet Irony

Ironically, it seems this article itself has become a big project. I started it about a month ago, and it’s been weighing on my mind ever since. The whole thing has been written piecemeal, drawing from notes I’ve jotted hither and yon, and needing much revision to bring about a sensible product (I hope). Not all that different from giving birth, really (if the process by which God transforms the union of a seed and an egg into a full human isn’t a big project, I don’t know what is).

Which just goes to show our marvelous God knows how to tackle big projects one bit at a time.