Intentional vs. chaotic living.
I am not an expert on this topic, and yet, in a real way,
many of us are experts on this matter because we are living examples of this
very thing.
Here are some signs that we are living chaotically vs. intentionally:
1. We are constantly buying food (either fast food,
restaurant food, or at the grocery store), yet we also constantly find
ourselves throwing away forgotten food from our refrigerators.
2. We are careless with things, such that we are
constantly throwing away broken items and/or having to replace them.
3. We always feel we are running behind. When we
have blocks of time, such as vacation or days off from work, we fritter the
time away more than is necessary to recharge our batteries. Then, when we
return to everyday living, we kick ourselves because we could have accomplished
some of the nagging items on our list while we had the time, but instead, we
wasted it.
4. We seem to be making good money, yet we never
have any to spare. When emergencies or unanticipated expenses arise, we have
trouble meeting those needs.
These are but a few examples that I have witnessed in my
life and the lives of others.
I recently invested a whopping 25 cents on a
book that is helping me identify some of these weaknesses in my own
life. I purchased it at a yard sale, and it sat on my shelf for a few months. I
picked up this small book the other day because lately my life has been feeling
chaotic. The text ties 12-step recovery programs to their Biblical roots by
incorporating readings on each step throughout relevant passages from Scripture.
A quick disclaimer: as a 30-year veteran of Al Anon, I have
watched these programs adapt to the culture over time. Identifying as
“spiritual” rather than religious programs, a sort of “one size fits all”
approach has usurped the Christian underpinnings which many believe formed the
core of Alcoholics Anonymous (which in turn formed the template for all 12-step
programs). It follows that most such groups place no
emphasis on Christ’s atoning death on the cross as the ONLY way to have
ultimate peace with God. The focus is on a “higher power,” which can be as
specific as God or as vague as the group or meetings themselves, to which the
struggling addict yields control of his life. Therefore, it is essential that
Christians like myself, who avail ourselves of the tried and true help to be
had in 12-step programs, realize their limitations and not use these groups and
their materials as a substitute for corporate worship and Scripture study.
With that being said, I have posted notes below from a talk I gave on step 11, which reads “[We] sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.” Rereading these today is helping me ground and center myself, which will hopefully instigate a domino effect whereby some of the pitfalls mentioned above will be minimized, and my life will flow in better order. I don’t claim to offer a panacea – but I have learned over the years that only to the extent that I intentionally take time with the Lord, offering up my problems and failings to Him and seeking His guidance to sort out schedules and priorities, will I find a measure of peace in this chaotic world.
My prayer is that these scribblings (and I
haven’t edited them for readability; these are rough notes I used while giving
a talk) will be useful to my readers as well.
This is one of the hardest talks I’ve ever had to do. Been in al
anon 26 years, sat in tons of meetings, given talks and sharings, but never
been asked to speak on step 11. A bit scary for me b/c I’m a Christian, and
Christianity and Jesus aren’t very popular these days in this post-modern,
secular world we live in.at first I thought I would wow you with my faith –
this was my chance. There is a large emphasis in the Bible on sharing one’s
faith, and I do believe in evangelism. But I have respect for you and for the
fact that this has become a spiritual program, not a religious one, even though
the 12 step program was based on Christian principles. I once asked a friend of
mine who was a mentor to me spiritually why 12 step programs work even though
they’ve gotten away from their Christian roots. She said because the 12 steps
are rooted in Biblical principles and God knows what He’s talking about.
But this is a program of attraction rather than promotion, so I’m
just gonna say up front that I am a Christian and I’d be happy to talk to
anyone privately about my faith after the meeting, but for the focus of my talk
I’m going to share how God has been with me throughout my life, sought me,
strengthened me, and spared me in my darkest times, and proven to me the
usefulness of step 11. Where I was, how I got here, and what it’s like now.
Strength, hope and experience.
Best way to tell it for me is in milestones. People who have dealt
w/others’ addictions have long, tattered stories, not easily lending themselves
to 10-minute talks. So I’m boiling it down.
I
started to grow up at age 29. The year I gave up trying to hide my husband’s
alcoholism. The year he entered treatment through his first rehab.
Calling
an Al Anon friend when I couldn’t reach husband while he was on a business trip
– didn’t suspect foul play, just deeply worried and felt very out of control –
called her while I was bathing my son. Her advice: bathe your little boy. Be
present in that activity. Basically, let the dervishes whirl, you can’t control
what husband is or isn’t doing, but you can participate in getting your child
clean.
When I realized the extent of my husband’s alcoholic behavior, I was already pregnant with second child. Could barely eat. Had to choke down half an apple. Yet this child weighed 10 lbs. 3.5 oz. and had to be induced b/c so big. God knew my older son needed a sibling and I needed this child, although I literally cried out to God why did You allow this pregnancy. It took some doing to have my 1st son, but I decided to have a 2nd, and rolled over in bed, so to speak, and voila, I was pregnant. If I had known what was going on, wouldn’t have tried for #2, but God did know, and sent me #2 anyway. Debating skills honed with this kid. He has become such a dear young man, so personable, everything he struggled with as a kid. I have learned the value of perseverance and prayer thru this kid, and I told him recently he’s one of my best friends, and I meant it.
When second son came along, things got crazier. There was a moment of truth when husband did something outrageous; I asked him to leave. He moved out temporarily. I felt empowered for about 30 seconds until reality sank in. I had no job. Living in a house that belonged to my mother-in-law. Felt solely responsible for 2 young lives. Remember calling parents and saying I can’t raise my kids today. They dropped everything and came and cared for us.
Had
to use every mental faculty to load and unload the dishwasher – prayed for
clear thinking to accomplish that Herculean chore
I
put sticky notes around the house reminding me to bathe myself and my kids. The
basics. Went food shopping with my sister because too much to handle by myself.
Going to the grocery store felt like climbing Mt. Everest. Cried in the store.
My sister was there for me, and if she was embarrassed she didn’t show it. Son
knew something was wrong but didn’t know how to fix, so when we got home, he
gave me a play dough sheep he had made. As I look back, that was pretty
profound because as a Christian, I believe that Jesus was the sacrificial lamb
who took my sins away. I don’t even remember making that connection then, but
as I look back, I see God carrying me, and using the kindness of my child’s
heart to do so.
Thought
of murder and suicide. Murdering the alcoholic or killing myself. Could see no
end in sight. Who will help me raise my kids? Didn’t know God had oodles of
people He was preparing to help me financially, emotionally and physically. He
was truly, as the Bible says, a father to the fatherless and a defender of
widows (Psalm 68:5). I became functionally a widow, as my husband was taking
himself out of the picture through his addiction, and later geographically.
The
day I stopped trying to get help for husband and started trying to get it for
me (my therapist, the prayer that led to her – Lord, I don’t have time or money
to waste – I need the right person the first time)
Micah
6:8: what does the lord require of you but to do justice love mercy and walk
humbly with your God? I had all these expectations of myself that I was always
falling short of. Often at church I would realize how much time I had wasted
during the week, and during the sermon, I would make lists of things to do.
Took years to figure out that getting up earlier and seeking God first thing in
the AM through prayer and meditation and Scripture reading would put order in
my day. 1st things 1st. but that was a long time in
coming, and Micah 6:8 (He has told you, O man,
what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to
love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?) gave me an anchor. I
could do those 3 things. Justice - try to be fair. Mercy - try to be kind. Walk
humbly with God let Him steer the ship.
Romantic
inventory, how this gave me freedom from rejection. Always took these things to
heart. Believed whatever was said of me as long as it was negative. Got good
grades, good evals at work, but always thought I was fooling those who thought
well of me, and the naysayers had it right.
Had to realize the difference b/w faith in the program/any program vs. faith in God. I always thought this rehab or if I could get him out the door to an AA meeting, everything would be OK. Now I have a legal matter that I’m dealing with and I’m not real happy with the legal support I’m receiving. Step 11 tells me it isn’t any law firm or individual who I’m to put my trust in. If God is the great physician, He is also the great attorney, and will do His part and show me what steps I’m to take when I need to take them.
For me step 11 is very tied into serenity prayer. The complete one.
God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
Realizing
what is my part and what isn’t. I add “people” to things I can and can’t
change. This clearly delineates others’ behavior from mine. I can change mine,
not others’. Am still trying to exercise this with my two adult sons and their
wives – figuring out what is their business vs. what is mine.
One
of my biggest fears has always been loss. I remember worrying one night when
husband got home late, thinking my world would end if something happened to
him. He was my functional savior. I saw him as the thing that kept me afloat.
Something did happen to him. He became lost in alcoholism and I left him and
then he left our family geographically and I was left with the kids. But my
parents stepped in to fill the void, and I couldn’t imagine life without my
parents. What would happen to me if something happened to them? Who would go
buy the mayonnaise if there were a mayo emergency? I told that to my counselor
once and she said “you would do it.” Something did happen to my parents, they
got sick and died, but God and my sisters and friends were still there. So now,
in my 50’s, I worry what would happen to me if something happened to my sons? I
can’t imagine life without either of them. I have terrific fears when I allow
myself to give in to them, BUT…
Step 11 tells me it will be OK because my circumstances may change, but the God I serve is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).
